Posts Tagged dying
It was Eid Al Adha few weeks ago. Eid is one of the two major Islamic holidays. On the last Eid, though mom was sick, she was still able to come to the prayers and actually had a great time. We dressed her up and she loved the visitors. This time, she was on her bed, as usual. I told her its Eid and she smiled, which is rare. I was sitting in her room, just staring at her. She looked at me and said, “whats wrong? you look little down”. I was down, it was Eid and mom has always been the host. She would make her special sweets and breakfast. Our neighbors and family would come over for breakfast. It would just be awesome. Not this time. Tears rolled down my cheek and I looked away from her, so she can’t see me cry, and I said “nothing, I am good”. She said ” I know everything”, tearing up.
I have never written this and I don’t really know why.But every time I pass by mom’s room, I look at her and check if her diaphragm is moving to make sure she is still breathing. We all do it..
We haven’t really been updating the blog lately and have been asked by many of you why? I have been thinking about the question and couldn’t really pinpoint to the reason. We woke up early today, well really early as my sister-in-law and her kids were going back to Canada on an early flight. When she was getting in the car, she would come back soon to see mom, without Inshallah. She then commented, I don’t even want to say Inshallah, because she is in so much pain.
That’s when it hit me. We have come to a point in our and mom’s life that it has turned to nothing but a waiting game. Mom has stopped eating properly,maybe couple of morsels here and there, drinking few tea spoons of water, wants people around her all the time, is seeing relatives who have passed away, and we were recently told by the nurse that her right side has gotten weaker, she can barely lift her right arm, and her face is a bit more lopsided. It seems she had another stroke.
We don’t expect her to last much longer. Let me rephrase and this might seem very insensitive, I don’t think we want her to last much longer.
To clarify, it is not because we are tired of taking care of her. As on of the comments posted said, this might be the blessing in disguise because of the reward and the chance to serve her. Its sure is hard and tough on mom but make no mistake, we would give everything to have her with us. But we would not be selfish and wish for her prolonged life, if she is to be the way she is. As Muslims, it is not for us to ever wish death, because of a core belief, that Allah never burdens a soul more than it can bear. To wish death would be losing this core concept. And that is out of question. We only pray that what is best for mom should happen and may her life and afterlife be easy.
Islamic belief of Almighty God (Allah in arabic) is that , Allah is All Knowing, All Wise and perfectly Just. Thus, we leave it to Allah as Allah is the Owner of All that exists and all that doesn’t exist; and just carry on with our duties with the belief that Allah knows and does what’s best.
Mummy has become much worse. It seems every two days she gets worse. As of the past 5 days, Mummy stopped chewing solids, then stopped opening her mouth to eat, then stopped talking, and now whatever we put in her mouth she either chokes on it or spits it all out.
Today she only had 2 teaspoons of soup, and a few sips of water.
“It” is coming. The question is, will we be ready for it?